Tainted Memories
by Twisted Enigmas
Summary: After Squall mistakingly kills Rinoa he must rediscover himself before he slips into the darkness of depression. But to do this he must see through untainted eyes. Who better than Quistis?


Okay, I've wanted to write this story for a while now. I posted it,but it never seemed quite ready to go. I've been working hard on this, editing and reediting. So please don't flame me. Thank you. Enjoy.

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Disclaimer: I do not own this game, nor do I own these characters.

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Squall stood silently on a bench outside of the infirmary. His heart danced with emotions that he couldn't explain, and guilt that couldn't be repressed. He cursed himself mentally. He'd allowed himself to become confused on the field. He'd attacked Rinoa blindly, leaving a large gash on her chest. He remembered carrying her lifeless body back to the garden. Receiving glares, and gasps from everyone he passed as Rinoa's blood feel silently to the marble floor. To him it seemed that everyone blamed him for what was happening to Rinoa. Squall's grim thoughts were soon interrupted by the mechanical sound of the doors to the infirmary opening. Squall quickly lifted his head, a glint of hope in his eyes. But it soon faded when he saw Dr. Kadowaki's face.

"Squall." She said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, but she didn't make it."

Squall's heart froze. He hadn't heard anything past her second word. He didn't need to hear anything else to know what she was going to say. "I'm sorry." He repeated hysterically. "What are you sorry for? I killed her, not you. **_I_** killed Rinoa." A single tear dripped down his cheek. Nothing could compare to the amount of guilt, and pain he was feeling. To him it felt as if his whole world had come crashing down on top of him. How could he possibly live without Rinoa there to comfort him? What would he do without her there to force him to voice his feelings? Fear washed over him, adding to the emotions he was already feeling. He feared of going back to his old emotionless ways. All the grief that Rinoa went through to get him to express himself would be wasted. He clenched his eyes closed, forcing the tears back into his eyes. Squall stood to his feet, forcing his legs to hold his weight. "I'm going to my room." Squall announced, walking away from Dr. Kadowaki, leaving her speechless. As Squall walked through the halls of garden, everything seemed to play out in slow motion. Every head seemed to turn towards him, once again taunting him. Convincing him that it was his fault. Squall turned his gaze to the floor, not wanting to look into the faces of Garden's inhabitants. He sighed heavily to himself. He felt like he'd been walking for days. He hadn't even made it to the elevator yet and he was already tired. Not watching where he was going, Squall ran right into the chest of none other then **_Seifer Almasy_**.

"Well if it isn't Squall Leonhart." Seifer said sarcastically.

"Not now, Almasy." Squall said, clenching his teeth tightly.

Seifer narrowed his eyes at Squall, noticing the moistness on his cheeks. " So you've been crying, eh?" Seifer said leaning slightly to look into the younger boy's face. "Rinoa made you cry again?"

Squall clenched his fist, and pushed past Seifer, nearly knocking him to the ground. "Fuck you, Seifer."

Squall made it up to his room, luckily not bumping into anyone else he knew. He didn't much feel like talking. Squall fell heavily onto his bed, drifting into a welcoming sleep.

Squall was shrouded in a suffocating darkness, his eyes struggling to adjust to it. He stood in one spot, trying to listen for any sign of movement. When someone called to him.

"Squall. Squall, where are you?"

"Rinoa? Rinoa! Where are you?" Squall asked, frantically running blindly.

"I'm here, Squall." A bright light flashed, showing Rinoa smiling brightly at him. Her bright brown eyes wide with happiness.

"Rinoa. I-I thought you were dead." Squall said, still advancing towards her.

"Now why would you think that silly? I would never leave you." Rinoa opened her arms, wide as if she were waiting for him to hug her. Squall smiled, and picked up his pace slightly. He walked to her, wrapping his arms around her protectively. He closed his eyes in bliss. He had Rinoa back. He had his Rinoa back. Squall's eyes shot open when he felt a warm liquid against his chest. He opened his eyes, noticing that Rinoa was no longer hugging him back. Her body was limp, and lifeless as her crimson blood dripped onto his jacket, and soaked into his shirt.

"Rinoa. Rinoa get up!" Squall fell to his knees, still shaking Rinoa's lifeless body begging her to wake up.

Squall's body shot up, sweat dripping from his head, soaking into the bloodstained tee he was still sporting. "Damn" He whispered to himself. He climbed from his bed, quickly undressing. He threw the clothes haphazardly to the ground and walked into the bathroom. Hoping a shower would help him a bit. After his shower, Squall dressed and sat on his bed, stiffly. He looked around his room. Rinoa had redecorated it, saying that it was much too plain. Everything in his dorm screamed Rinoa, and the guilt that he'd momentarily forgotten came back tenfold. Tears crept down his cheeks once again, but he wasn't going to stop them this time. During his childhood or even as a teenager, he hadn't cried before. And all the frustrations came out at once in a cascade of tears. But soon a knock at the door snapped him out of it, making him quickly wipe his tears away.

"Who is it?" Squall called from his bed.

"Umm...it's Irvine. Open up."

Squall sighed inwardly, and crawled from his bed, walking sluggishly to the door. He opened it to reveal Irvine. Squall's eyes widened slightly when he saw him. He didn't sport his normal cowboy attire. Instead he sported a pair of jeans a loose T-shirt.

"Hey. I heard what happened. Sorry to hear it."

Squall's eyes narrowed. He didn't want their apologies. It was his fault, and he accepted that. He just wished they'd go away. Squall ran a finger through his wet hair, and walked away from the door taking a seat on the couch that Rinoa picked out only a month ago.

"How is everyone else taking it?" Squall asked, directing his attention to Irvine who closed the door and sat stiffly on the small chair that was next to the couch.

"Well, Selphie took it pretty hard. Everyone else seems slightly upset. But that's about it." Irvine cleared his throat. "How are you taking it?"

Squall looked away from him and stared at the wall. "How would **_you_** feel if you killed the only person you ever loved?"

Irvine noticed the anger that was in his voice, and stood. "Well, I guess I'd feel terrible. I just came by to check up on you, and tell you that the headmaster would like to see you later."

Squall nodded. Never looking back to Irvine. He only redirected his gaze when he heard the door close again. He sighed and went back to his bed. **_What could the headmaster possibly want with me? Ugh.he probably wants to tell me it's okay, and we'll get through it. Damn, Squall. How could you have possibly allowed yourself to fuck up like that? You don't even know the difference between a monster and the one you love! Damn you! _**Squall fell into bed again, and closed his eyes. He had to prepare himself for the worst now. And he vowed that he'd never let anyone get close to him again.

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Squall opened his eyes, and peered at the clock above his bed. **_3:05. I guess I should be going to see the headmaster now_**. Squall swung his legs around and placed them firmly on the ground before standing to his feet. He grabbed his leather jacket, and proceeded out of the door.

Squall stepped onto the elevator and leaned hard against the wall. He closed his eyes, trying to figure what it was the headmaster wanted with him. Maybe he wanted to blame him for her death. No, that couldn't be. He was already doing that to himself. He sighed hard.

"Squall." Xu called to him. Trying to get the brown-haired boy to open his eyes. "Squall!"

Squall opened his eyes slowly, to find Xu standing in front of him with a slightly agitated look on her face. "The headmaster is waiting for you up on deck."

Squall nodded, and walked past her. He opened the double doors, just to board yet another elevator. Upon making it to the deck, Squall acknowledged the headmaster with a salute.

"Squall. Glad to see that you made it," Cid said, giving the boy a firm smile. "Our business is an important matter so it should be discussed in a more private environment. I'll meet you in your dorm," Cid said, turning from him. Squall nodded his head, and stepped back on the elevator.

Squall walked down the hall, with his head down, his hands stuffed into his pockets, mumbling obscenities under his breath. "Why the fuck did he have me come up there if he just wanted to meet me in my dorm. I could have just stayed in bed for that," Squall said to himself, never noticing Quistis walking alongside him.

"Now is that any way for a leader of garden to speak?" Quistis said, smiling at him.

"Oh. Hey, Quistis. I didn't notice you there."

"It's okay. So how are you, Squall?"

Squall shot her a sideways glance. Then stopped walking, looking into her crystal blue eyes. He wanted to scream out: "HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU JUST KILLED SOME CLOSE TO YOU?" but refrained from being a major asshole. Besides, it wasn't her fault. She was only concerned for his well-being. "Yes, I guess I'm fine." Squall said, breaking his gaze with the blonde, starting his all too long journey to his dormitory.

"Well, I guess I'll see you around then," Quistis said, getting the hint that he didn't really want to be bothered. He had been through a lot, and she only wanted him to know that she was there for him. Quistis watched as Squall walked towards his dormitory, his gaze never leaving the marble floors. Quistis sighed inwardly. Out of all the years she'd known him nothing had ever effected him like this did. It was true that she'd never lost a loved one. Hell, she'd never even had a loved one, unless you count her short-term relationship to Seifer. Quistis voiced her sigh this time, and walked off towards the infirmary. She promised Dr. Kadowaki that she'd help her out today.

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**_A little later that day_**

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Cid paced the floors of Squall's dorm, as Squall impatiently leaned in his chair, sighing loudly making his discomfort known.

"Didn't you say you wanted to **_talk_** to me about something, sir?" Squall asked, sighing again.

"Yes, yes. I intend to get to the point. I'm just trying to figure a way to ask you this."

"Just be blunt, and straight to the point." Squall straightened in his chair. And looked into Cid's face. Worry was written across his every feature.

"Yes, indeed." Cid sat nervously in an armchair across from Squall. He inhaled deeply. "Well, I had a few questions pertaining to the previous events of this morning. I need to know in detail everything that happened. Otherwise, there's a chance that General Caraway may indulge deeper, and try to pin you for murder."

Squall froze. "Murder? But why would he do that? I talked to General Caraway, and I was told that it was pure accident, and that he would in no way blame me for Rinoa's death. "

Cid raised an eyebrow. "Hmm.did you happen to be in the infirmary at the time of this call?" Squall nodded. "Ah. I see. May I use the phone?" Squall nodded, and sat back in his chair. He never noticed Cid leave. He was too enthralled in his thoughts. He couldn't help but ignore the nagging feeling in the back of his head. Something just didn't seem right to him. How could the general possibly blame him for Rinoa's death? Just earlier he was comforting him, telling him how much he considered Squall to be like a son to him, and now he was trying to blame him for Rinoa's death. Squall rubbed his sore temples. This was becoming unbearable.

"Squall, everything will be fine." Cid said, placing his hand on the brown- haired boy's shoulder. "The infirmary's phones record all calls placed in and out. Xu is retrieving the records as we speak. Maybe you should get some rest, though." Cid walked to the door, and turned to Squall again. His head, rested in his hands. "You're going to need it." He whispered, as he walked out of the door.

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I'm done! Oh, and the reason for Squall's emotions are because he lost a loved one, and on top of that he killed her. I know is kind of OOC, but it's the only logical emotion. I mean, he could be his blank, emotionless self, but at the moment he's sorting his feelings, and thoughts. So I felt it was only right to make him shed a few tears. But he'll be back to his normal self. Actually, he'll be in the "Fuck the world" phase. And I will cover more about what happened before Rinoa's death. Don't worry. I plan to go all the way with this fic. No reviews or not. . GOD, AND PEOPLE READ THIS THING, AND REVIEW! I think I need a new summary. Yes, that'll work!


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